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A few hours before heading to the hospital I tried looking up some perspectives on trying to deliver a baby with pitocin but without getting an epidural. Pretty much 95% or more of the opinions I read said something along the lines of "don't do it. You'll want to die" or "I tried but caved at 6cm." I already have a pretty low pain tolerance so I knew that I wasn't exactly the ideal candidate for joining the exclusive ranks of women who toughed it out. I wanted too, though. Lately, I've been feeling really weak. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I really felt like delivering Naomi without an epidural could show some hidden inner strength that I've been desperately looking for. Tom was ready and willing to support me completely in this, but I'm pretty sure he thought I'd back out of it once the pain got intense. I can't blame him, though, because I'm not sure I was fully convinced that I could do it either.
The night we got to the hospital, I had dilated to a 4 and was contracting every 3-4 minutes so they decided against giving me the cervidil. The nurse told me that I could potentially wake up in the morning and be far enough along that I could just get my water broken and skip the pitocin. Unfortunately, getting over-excited about this led to some extreme disappointment when I hadn't progressed overnight and was forced to start the pitocin. I felt completely defeated and figured that I had no chance of delivering without an epidural. I told the nurse to have the anesthesiologist informed that I would want the epidural as soon as I was allowed (which at this hospital, isn't until after the contractions start to hurt). My nurse said, "Great! Last week I had a girl say that she wanted to try to go without an epidural. She eventually caved and was begging for it but she was too close to delivery for her to get it. I felt so bad that she had to go through that." I actually really liked that story and told her "you know, I think that's ideally how it would work for me. I know I'd eventually cave, but I'd want to cave in the 'no turning back' zone so that I could tough through it." I'm pretty sure she thought I was crazy.
Shortly after that, they broke my water and the contractions started to get very aggressive very quickly. Even though they were ridiculously painful, I was able to get through them. I had been given a lot of advice for how to get through contractions but the one that really stuck with me was "finding my happy place." The night before we went to the hospital, Joey and Moses had been playing really well together in the living room. They both had their super hero capes on and would "fly" around the house. They played ring-around-the-rosey about a thousand times and their giggles were incessant. This was my happy place. Every time the contractions came I went back to that night and replayed their giggles over and over in my head. The nurse kept coming in and saying "Can I go get the anesthesiologist? You can have your epidural now" but I'd tell her that I was doing okay and wasn't ready yet. Perhaps I could actually make it through this!
I was stuck between a 6 and a 7 for an hour-ish and so the nurse had me lay on my side to try to get things moving. It worked immediately. The contractions reached a point that even my sweet boys' giggles couldn't get me through the pain. I was screaming bloody murder and my body was telling me "ENOUGH!" I begged Tom to go get the nurse to tell her that I wanted the epidural immediately. Sure enough, my dreams came true. The nurse informed us that the anesthesiologist was assisting with the C-section down that hall and wouldn't be available for another 20 minutes or so. I thought I would die. And then I felt this sudden urge to have a BM. Not really phased by what this meant, I yelled out to the nurse "I have to poop!," in all honesty thinking that this was really a poop that was coming and that perhaps she'd let me get up and go to the bathroom. Her eyes got huge and she said "don't push yet!" as she ran out yelling for the doctor to come immediately. The rest is a bit of a blur because it went by so fast, but somehow they got everything ready by the time I pushed. One push and out came her head. Her shoulders and body came with the second push. Healthy baby girl arrived in just shy of 5 hours total.
So will I go without the epidural again? Probably not. It was really cool to be able to experience it once. I'm glad I could say that I did it. But it hurt. It wasn't spiritual. I didn't have all that energy that natural laborers talk about having after a delivery. I was shaking and exhausted. I thought that once she came out the pain would be gone. Not so much. For 30 minutes I had to deal with getting the placenta out, getting stitched up (which --by the way-- is NOT fun) and calming my shaking body. With the boys, I was energized and excited to hold them immediately after delivering them. I was so exhausted and shaky after delivering Naomi that I wasn't even eager to look at her right away because I wanted to be in a happier, calmer place first. It was rough. I'll consider it a once in a lifetime experience.
Shortly after that, they broke my water and the contractions started to get very aggressive very quickly. Even though they were ridiculously painful, I was able to get through them. I had been given a lot of advice for how to get through contractions but the one that really stuck with me was "finding my happy place." The night before we went to the hospital, Joey and Moses had been playing really well together in the living room. They both had their super hero capes on and would "fly" around the house. They played ring-around-the-rosey about a thousand times and their giggles were incessant. This was my happy place. Every time the contractions came I went back to that night and replayed their giggles over and over in my head. The nurse kept coming in and saying "Can I go get the anesthesiologist? You can have your epidural now" but I'd tell her that I was doing okay and wasn't ready yet. Perhaps I could actually make it through this!
I was stuck between a 6 and a 7 for an hour-ish and so the nurse had me lay on my side to try to get things moving. It worked immediately. The contractions reached a point that even my sweet boys' giggles couldn't get me through the pain. I was screaming bloody murder and my body was telling me "ENOUGH!" I begged Tom to go get the nurse to tell her that I wanted the epidural immediately. Sure enough, my dreams came true. The nurse informed us that the anesthesiologist was assisting with the C-section down that hall and wouldn't be available for another 20 minutes or so. I thought I would die. And then I felt this sudden urge to have a BM. Not really phased by what this meant, I yelled out to the nurse "I have to poop!," in all honesty thinking that this was really a poop that was coming and that perhaps she'd let me get up and go to the bathroom. Her eyes got huge and she said "don't push yet!" as she ran out yelling for the doctor to come immediately. The rest is a bit of a blur because it went by so fast, but somehow they got everything ready by the time I pushed. One push and out came her head. Her shoulders and body came with the second push. Healthy baby girl arrived in just shy of 5 hours total.
So will I go without the epidural again? Probably not. It was really cool to be able to experience it once. I'm glad I could say that I did it. But it hurt. It wasn't spiritual. I didn't have all that energy that natural laborers talk about having after a delivery. I was shaking and exhausted. I thought that once she came out the pain would be gone. Not so much. For 30 minutes I had to deal with getting the placenta out, getting stitched up (which --by the way-- is NOT fun) and calming my shaking body. With the boys, I was energized and excited to hold them immediately after delivering them. I was so exhausted and shaky after delivering Naomi that I wasn't even eager to look at her right away because I wanted to be in a happier, calmer place first. It was rough. I'll consider it a once in a lifetime experience.
I love me a good birth story! Way to go, Mary! I know those times when we feel weak, but 3 kids in about 4 years and still kicking and writing on the blog, that's about the opposite of weak.
ReplyDeleteI'm slow at commenting, but I'm so happy for you! It was fun seeing you at the park on Saturday and meeting cute Naomi. :)
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